Dear Diary

9/13/09

Dear Diary,

Today marks a turning point in my life! I finally walked into Mr. Simmons’ office and told him exactly what I thought of him. I told him that I was tired of how he treated me, that I didn’t need this stupid job, and that I was going into business for myself. I also told him that I hoped a blue whale’s penis fell on him and crushed him to death. At that point I began trying to offer example scenarios where that might possibly happen. He was so shocked and intimidated that he just sat there the whole time with his mouth hanging open. Oh victory is indeed sweet!

I am SO excited to see what the future holds! I have been planning to open my own business for so long it almost feels like a dream that it is actually going to happen now! That's all for now, diary! I'll keep you updated. I gotta get working!

9/21/09

Dear Diary,

I feel kind of weird today. This afternoon I was told that my old boss Mr. Simmons was on vacation in the Bahamas and was helping a group of people trying to roll a beached blue whale back into the ocean. He was standing in a poorly chosen location and on one of the rolls the whale's penis flopped over and landed on top of him, killing him instantly. I can't help but feel like I am somewhat to blame for this in some cosmic way. But I'm not gonna let it get me down, I have too much to look forward to! I've been working like mad on my business and we're opening next week! I'll keep you posted on every detail!

10/2/09

Dear Diary,

            Well, we’re 6 days into this and I’m having my doubts about the business. We’ve already had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage and I’m being sued by 2 families. When I think about it, I’m not even really sure why I ever thought hot air balloon tours over an active volcano was such a good idea. The heat from the lava keeps melting the canvas of the balloons and the clients are sent crashing into the side of the mountain. The first time it happened we called 911 and I had one of my pilots ferry two medics up there in another balloon, not realizing at the time what had caused the accident. But their balloon melted too and they plummeted into the lava to their deaths. That was pretty awkward, because the whole thing had been caught on tape by a local news crew that came to do a fluff piece. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was eating a hot dog and got mustard on my shirt! I mean, could this day get any worse?!

10/7/09

Dear Diary,

            I’m beginning to suspect my business partner Glen is out to ruin me. First, during the ribbon cutting ceremony when I pretended the huge scissors were too heavy and I chopped his tie off as a joke, he didn’t even laugh. He just glared at me, which made me look like a jerk in front of everyone. Then a few minutes later when I was pretending to play the harmonica with the scissors and sliced open my tongue he grabbed some nearby balloon canvas to try and help stop the bleeding! That material costs a lot of money! What is he trying to do, put me in the poor house?!

            It doesn’t stop there, he also turned down my idea to put up a statue of a whale’s penis out in front of the business in memory of the late Mr. Simmons. He asked me, “Why would you put up a statue of the thing that killed him? How is that honoring him?”

            “You don’t understand!” I shouted back, “You didn’t know him! You can really be insensitive sometimes, Glen!”

            To which he replied, “Why do you keep calling me Glen? You know my name is Robert! Where did you ever get ‘Glen’ from?"

            We argued back and forth for another 20 minutes, but Glen was adamant. He said this was intended to be a family-friendly business and the statue would turn away potential clients. Some business partner HE’S turning out to be, always looking for ways to make money, never thinking about how important this whale’s penis is to me. Wait, that came out wrong. Why didn’t I write this diary in pencil?

            I also suspect Glen may be reading my diary. From now on I will write my entries in code. The number 1 will be A, 2 will be B, 3 will be C, and so on. That’s all for now.

10/10/09

Dear Diary,

            I forgot the code. Ahh, screw it. I don’t even really care that much if Glen reads this or not. He has been an obstacle at every turn and it was a mistake to go into business with him. He wants to cut our losses and get out and honestly that’s fine with me. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, though. The balloon tours were just a launchpad; I have plans for multiple businesses. As soon as I can generate enough start-up money I’m starting a new business that will finally combine sailing with white-water rafting to try and corner both markets. We will give customers a 30 minute “Intro to Sailing” course and then send them down the rapids in an adventure they’ll remember forever! I was going to offer that Glen get on board with me for that too, but forget it. I’m through with him. I hope he falls down a laundry chute at the YMCA and suffocates under a mountain of sweaty jock straps.

       

10/14/09

Dear Diary,

            Another weird day. Glen died tragically this morning, and you’ll never guess how it happened.