Regrets

I’d like to think that I have lived a fairly decent and respectable life. However, I do not deny that there are a number of things I have done in my life that I wish I had not, and I am regretful of it. The following is a short list of some of those incidents.

-I did a stint in the Secret Service and I was assigned to protect Senator Jim McAllister. During one of his speeches I became aware of a possible assassination attempt in progress. When I spotted the assailant in the crowd I shouted into my walkie-talkie, “The fox is in the chicken coop! The hobo is urinating in the garbage can! The Hamburgler has entered McDonald’s playplace!” In retrospect I think that I may have lost respect in the eyes of my coworkers as a result of those remarks.

-I was a part of a study in college that was testing to see if we could induce seizures through images playing on a screen. When we were finished with our prototype there was the question of where and how we could test it. I suggested we rent one of those video billboards on the side of the freeway. I wish I had not been so persuasive with this idea and I want to apologize to anyone who was injured in “The Great 127-car pileup of 2004”.

-For three straight years after 9/11 I became slightly obsessed with the phrase “...then the terrorists have won.” It got so bad that I was saying things like “If my lotto numbers don’t win tonight then the terrorists have won,” or, “If they put mayo on my sandwich after I SPECIFICALLY asked for no mayo, then the terrorists have won.” I wish I hadn’t done this so often, as it annoyed my loved ones a great deal.

-I regret having begun to mix cocaine in with my laundry detergent because I enjoyed the tingling feeling I got when I wore my freshly washed clothes. It proved to be quite expensive.

-In middle school I tried to fart in a time capsule that our class was putting together, in an effort to show future generations what flatulence from 1996 smelled like. I still think the idea had merit, but I regret my last second decision to take off my pants to do it, fearing that the fabric would mar the authenticity of the smell. I think this may have ruined my chances of dating Becky Martin.

-Certain business dealings caused me to venture into some seedy areas of town. In an effort to not come across as an easy target for thugs and low-lifes, I brainstormed ways I could dress so that I looked tough. I reasoned that an eyepatch looked pretty tough, but NO one was tougher than a guy who's eyepatch was an actual tarantula on an elastic band! It was about the time the creature laid it's eggs in my orbital socket that I realized this

had been a terrible idea. This is another choice I regret very much.

-I regret getting a tramp stamp tattoo that said "WHOOMP, there it is!" with an arrow pointing to my butt. Don't know what I was thinking there.

-I once mentally calculated an equation which would allow mankind to map and harness wormhole technology, but unfortunately I was a contestant on a Japanese gameshow at the time I thought of it, and just then I was attacked by a giant squid while the audience pointed and laughed at me. I regret both losing the gameshow and forgetting the wormhole equation.

-At a dinner party I once stated "The Unicorn is fifty times gayer than the Pegasus." Later that week I went to the library and did a little research and I found out that the Unicorn was actually only thirty-one times gayer than the Pegasus. I regret having misled the people at that dinner party.

            There are a number of others regrets I have, but just revisiting these incidents has filled me with shame and self-loathing. I will stop for now and maybe some other time, days from now, when I’m riding high, I will have the self confidence to continue this cathartic journey of sorrow. But for now I’m going to belittle my dog to make myself feel better. Thank you for listening.