Andrew Michael is diametrically opposed to people who look for opportunities to show off their big vocabularies. It makes him feel vociferous
Andrew Michael realized his life was pretty sad when he got really excited about getting his turn signal fixed
Andrew Michael is going to name his first daughter Dawn. If he has a second daughter he'll name her Joy. If he has a third, he'll name her Febreeze
Andrew Michael wants you to punch him in the face if you ever see him attending the unveiling of the latest postage stamp, because something has gone horribly wrong in my life
Andrew Michael accidentally used the Victoria's Secret entrance to the mall today, accidentally dressed in only a trenchcoat. And he accidentally made the evening news
Andrew Michael stapled a bunch of fruit roll-ups together in an effort to make homemade edible underwear
Andrew Michael wonders if any kid in the Make A Wish foundation has ever tried wishing for a million more wishes
Andrew Michael is hoping one day he might sneeze so hard he actually knocks himself on his back. Believe in your dreams kids!
Andrew Michael successfully toasted a poptart with a blowtorch this morning. Unfortunately it tasted like propane
Andrew Michael is going to be rich as soon as he sells his invention of shotgun shells filled with angry hornets for police crowd control
Andrew Michael does not understand why the phrase "blunt force trauma to the scrotum" is such a conversation stopper at a baby shower. Don't be so uptight everyone!
Andrew Michael had a patient in the hospital who sneezed with his eyes open. He's been in a coma for six weeks
Andrew Michael is starting to think that VH1 airs more accumulated minutes of bleeping sounds than actual dialogue
Andrew Michael wants his tombstone to read "here lies andrew michael: easy on the eyes, tough on crime"
Andrew Michael feels like there used to be a bunch of movies where the villain tortured the hero using a voodoo doll. What happened to voodoo doll action?
Andrew Michael thinks it would be kinda funny to have a Chinese symbol tattoo that translates: "I have no idea what this says."
Andrew Michael is glad Regis and Kelly is live because then he knows that between 9 and 10 each morning Regis Philbin is definately not sneaking up on him
Andrew Michael thinks it would be interesting if all his ringtones could be the sound that particular person made when they were being tazered
Andrew Michael thinks it would be funny if someone went to a strip club and tried to put Coke rewards bottlecaps into the girls' waistbands instead of dollars
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