Dear Diary

9/13/09

Dear Diary,

Today marks a turning point in my life! I finally walked into Mr. Simmons’ office and told him exactly what I thought of him. I told him that I was tired of how he treated me, that I didn’t need this stupid job, and that I was going into business for myself. I also told him that I hoped a blue whale’s penis fell on him and crushed him to death. At that point I began trying to offer example scenarios where that might possibly happen. He was so shocked and intimidated that he just sat there the whole time with his mouth hanging open. Oh victory is indeed sweet!

I am SO excited to see what the future holds! I have been planning to open my own business for so long it almost feels like a dream that it is actually going to happen now! That's all for now, diary! I'll keep you updated. I gotta get working!

9/21/09

Dear Diary,

I feel kind of weird today. This afternoon I was told that my old boss Mr. Simmons was on vacation in the Bahamas and was helping a group of people trying to roll a beached blue whale back into the ocean. He was standing in a poorly chosen location and on one of the rolls the whale's penis flopped over and landed on top of him, killing him instantly. I can't help but feel like I am somewhat to blame for this in some cosmic way. But I'm not gonna let it get me down, I have too much to look forward to! I've been working like mad on my business and we're opening next week! I'll keep you posted on every detail!

10/2/09

Dear Diary,

            Well, we’re 6 days into this and I’m having my doubts about the business. We’ve already had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage and I’m being sued by 2 families. When I think about it, I’m not even really sure why I ever thought hot air balloon tours over an active volcano was such a good idea. The heat from the lava keeps melting the canvas of the balloons and the clients are sent crashing into the side of the mountain. The first time it happened we called 911 and I had one of my pilots ferry two medics up there in another balloon, not realizing at the time what had caused the accident. But their balloon melted too and they plummeted into the lava to their deaths. That was pretty awkward, because the whole thing had been caught on tape by a local news crew that came to do a fluff piece. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was eating a hot dog and got mustard on my shirt! I mean, could this day get any worse?!

10/7/09

Dear Diary,

            I’m beginning to suspect my business partner Glen is out to ruin me. First, during the ribbon cutting ceremony when I pretended the huge scissors were too heavy and I chopped his tie off as a joke, he didn’t even laugh. He just glared at me, which made me look like a jerk in front of everyone. Then a few minutes later when I was pretending to play the harmonica with the scissors and sliced open my tongue he grabbed some nearby balloon canvas to try and help stop the bleeding! That material costs a lot of money! What is he trying to do, put me in the poor house?!

            It doesn’t stop there, he also turned down my idea to put up a statue of a whale’s penis out in front of the business in memory of the late Mr. Simmons. He asked me, “Why would you put up a statue of the thing that killed him? How is that honoring him?”

            “You don’t understand!” I shouted back, “You didn’t know him! You can really be insensitive sometimes, Glen!”

            To which he replied, “Why do you keep calling me Glen? You know my name is Robert! Where did you ever get ‘Glen’ from?"

            We argued back and forth for another 20 minutes, but Glen was adamant. He said this was intended to be a family-friendly business and the statue would turn away potential clients. Some business partner HE’S turning out to be, always looking for ways to make money, never thinking about how important this whale’s penis is to me. Wait, that came out wrong. Why didn’t I write this diary in pencil?

            I also suspect Glen may be reading my diary. From now on I will write my entries in code. The number 1 will be A, 2 will be B, 3 will be C, and so on. That’s all for now.

10/10/09

Dear Diary,

            I forgot the code. Ahh, screw it. I don’t even really care that much if Glen reads this or not. He has been an obstacle at every turn and it was a mistake to go into business with him. He wants to cut our losses and get out and honestly that’s fine with me. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, though. The balloon tours were just a launchpad; I have plans for multiple businesses. As soon as I can generate enough start-up money I’m starting a new business that will finally combine sailing with white-water rafting to try and corner both markets. We will give customers a 30 minute “Intro to Sailing” course and then send them down the rapids in an adventure they’ll remember forever! I was going to offer that Glen get on board with me for that too, but forget it. I’m through with him. I hope he falls down a laundry chute at the YMCA and suffocates under a mountain of sweaty jock straps.

       

10/14/09

Dear Diary,

            Another weird day. Glen died tragically this morning, and you’ll never guess how it happened.

Some Old Facebook Statuses

Andrew Michael is diametrically opposed to people who look for opportunities to show off their big vocabularies. It makes him feel vociferous

Andrew Michael realized his life was pretty sad when he got really excited about getting his turn signal fixed

Andrew Michael is going to name his first daughter Dawn. If he has a second daughter he'll name her Joy. If he has a third, he'll name her Febreeze

Andrew Michael wants you to punch him in the face if you ever see him attending the unveiling of the latest postage stamp, because something has gone horribly wrong in my life

Andrew Michael accidentally used the Victoria's Secret entrance to the mall today, accidentally dressed in only a trenchcoat. And he accidentally made the evening news

Andrew Michael stapled a bunch of fruit roll-ups together in an effort to make homemade edible underwear

Andrew Michael wonders if any kid in the Make A Wish foundation has ever tried wishing for a million more wishes

Andrew Michael is hoping one day he might sneeze so hard he actually knocks himself on his back. Believe in your dreams kids!

Andrew Michael successfully toasted a poptart with a blowtorch this morning. Unfortunately it tasted like propane

Andrew Michael is going to be rich as soon as he sells his invention of shotgun shells filled with angry hornets for police crowd control

Andrew Michael does not understand why the phrase "blunt force trauma to the scrotum" is such a conversation stopper at a baby shower. Don't be so uptight everyone!

Andrew Michael had a patient in the hospital who sneezed with his eyes open. He's been in a coma for six weeks

Andrew Michael is starting to think that VH1 airs more accumulated minutes of bleeping sounds than actual dialogue

Andrew Michael wonders if there's anyone in witness protection using my exact name

Andrew Michael wants his tombstone to read "here lies andrew michael: easy on the eyes, tough on crime"

Andrew Michael wishes there were more opportunities for him to use the phrase "you'll rue the day"

Andrew Michael feels like there used to be a bunch of movies where the villain tortured the hero using a voodoo doll. What happened to voodoo doll action?

Andrew Michael thinks it would be kinda funny to have a Chinese symbol tattoo that translates: "I have no idea what this says."

Andrew Michael is glad Regis and Kelly is live because then he knows that between 9 and 10 each morning Regis Philbin is definately not sneaking up on him

Andrew Michael thinks it would be interesting if all his ringtones could be the sound that particular person made when they were being tazered

Andrew Michael thinks it would be funny if someone went to a strip club and tried to put Coke rewards bottlecaps into the girls' waistbands instead of dollars

Regrets

I’d like to think that I have lived a fairly decent and respectable life. However, I do not deny that there are a number of things I have done in my life that I wish I had not, and I am regretful of it. The following is a short list of some of those incidents.

-I did a stint in the Secret Service and I was assigned to protect Senator Jim McAllister. During one of his speeches I became aware of a possible assassination attempt in progress. When I spotted the assailant in the crowd I shouted into my walkie-talkie, “The fox is in the chicken coop! The hobo is urinating in the garbage can! The Hamburgler has entered McDonald’s playplace!” In retrospect I think that I may have lost respect in the eyes of my coworkers as a result of those remarks.

-I was a part of a study in college that was testing to see if we could induce seizures through images playing on a screen. When we were finished with our prototype there was the question of where and how we could test it. I suggested we rent one of those video billboards on the side of the freeway. I wish I had not been so persuasive with this idea and I want to apologize to anyone who was injured in “The Great 127-car pileup of 2004”.

-For three straight years after 9/11 I became slightly obsessed with the phrase “...then the terrorists have won.” It got so bad that I was saying things like “If my lotto numbers don’t win tonight then the terrorists have won,” or, “If they put mayo on my sandwich after I SPECIFICALLY asked for no mayo, then the terrorists have won.” I wish I hadn’t done this so often, as it annoyed my loved ones a great deal.

-I regret having begun to mix cocaine in with my laundry detergent because I enjoyed the tingling feeling I got when I wore my freshly washed clothes. It proved to be quite expensive.

-In middle school I tried to fart in a time capsule that our class was putting together, in an effort to show future generations what flatulence from 1996 smelled like. I still think the idea had merit, but I regret my last second decision to take off my pants to do it, fearing that the fabric would mar the authenticity of the smell. I think this may have ruined my chances of dating Becky Martin.

-Certain business dealings caused me to venture into some seedy areas of town. In an effort to not come across as an easy target for thugs and low-lifes, I brainstormed ways I could dress so that I looked tough. I reasoned that an eyepatch looked pretty tough, but NO one was tougher than a guy who's eyepatch was an actual tarantula on an elastic band! It was about the time the creature laid it's eggs in my orbital socket that I realized this

had been a terrible idea. This is another choice I regret very much.

-I regret getting a tramp stamp tattoo that said "WHOOMP, there it is!" with an arrow pointing to my butt. Don't know what I was thinking there.

-I once mentally calculated an equation which would allow mankind to map and harness wormhole technology, but unfortunately I was a contestant on a Japanese gameshow at the time I thought of it, and just then I was attacked by a giant squid while the audience pointed and laughed at me. I regret both losing the gameshow and forgetting the wormhole equation.

-At a dinner party I once stated "The Unicorn is fifty times gayer than the Pegasus." Later that week I went to the library and did a little research and I found out that the Unicorn was actually only thirty-one times gayer than the Pegasus. I regret having misled the people at that dinner party.

            There are a number of others regrets I have, but just revisiting these incidents has filled me with shame and self-loathing. I will stop for now and maybe some other time, days from now, when I’m riding high, I will have the self confidence to continue this cathartic journey of sorrow. But for now I’m going to belittle my dog to make myself feel better. Thank you for listening.