The House of Parliament

To my esteemed colleagues in the British House of Parliament:

I write to you today with a heavy heart. It is with great sorrow that I announce that I am stepping down as Lord Speaker in the House of Parliament. 

            Why the reason for my sudden departure? Sadly I have been asked to resign by a group within our house, who are concerned that I have not been taking the position seriously enough. They said one indicator was that the fact that I only learned my official title last week, and had heretofore been referring to myself as “Head-Gavel-Banger-Guy” during sessions. I concede that this may have conveyed a lack of respect for the institution and I apologize for that. I tried to reason with them that I had now learned the proper title, but they cited other complaints as well.

            As I now see in retrospect, I suppose I can understand why my idea to begin holding an annual “Bring your Child to Work Day” was met with such harsh criticism. I still contend that the idea itself had promise, it’s just a shame that I hadn’t consulted a calendar of events before scheduling it. The fact that all of our children were present on “Death Sentencing Day” is something I sincerely wish I could take back. I have already taken steps to provide a child psychologist for those who think they may need her services.

            My detractors would like you to believe that the rumors are true, that whenever I was asked for my opinion in a discussion that I hadn’t been paying attention to, I would stand up and shout “Poppycock!” and start banging my gavel incessantly as a distraction technique. This is simply not true, my friends. The press wants to paint me as a buffoon because of the time I got confused and thought my powdered wig had to be continually re-powdered. No one told me that wasn’t necessary and I apologize that my powder cloud triggered Lord Henrickson’s asthma attack during sessions, but I do not agree this makes me a buffoon. They also say when I was totally lost in a conversation, I had a habit of trying to sound like I knew what was going on by slapping my desk and saying “Classic Parliament!” and then laughing a little too loudly. Excuse me for trying to adopt a catch phrase.

            I hate to sound like I’ve got sour grapes, but I must say that there are times when I have felt my fellow members of Parliament have not been there to support me. For instance, when I proposed a bill that all active members be required to smoke Parliament cigarettes and that albums of 70’s funk band Parliament be played continually in the background during session, I received zero supportive votes. In order to successfully run this country we must work as a team, gentlemen, and you guys left me out there swinging in the breeze.

            In conclusion I want to inform you that I will not be giving back my ceremonial robes, partially because of principal and partially because I was wearing them while running on the treadmill one day (I really like how the fabric breathes) and they got caught in a rotor and torn off my body. Despite our differences I wish you all the best in your careers and will continue to support you as best I can. If you’d like to reach me just look for the green ‘97 Yugo with one different colored door, as that is my current address.

Sincerely,

Theodore Harrison