Witness Protection

Frank: Jim, can I speak with you for a second?

Jim: Sure, what’s up?

Frank: Well...*sighs* there’s no easy way to say this, but...Jim we’re going to have to let you go.

Jim: You’re firing me? Why??

Frank: Look Jim, I like you as a person, but...your job here is to provide new names for people and families that are forced to enter Witness Protection, and frankly you do terrible work.

Jim: I...I’m stunned. I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

Frank: Seriously? You seriously thought that? 15 of the 17 people you have assigned names to have been killed already.

Jim: Well, you know, I figured every new guy has a sort of grace period to get the hang of it.

Frank: Let’s look at some of the names you’ve assigned. Okay, here we have Eliot Johnson and you changed his name to Schmeliot Schmohnson. Really?

Jim: ...perhaps not my best work.

Frank: Here he have Joseph Hunter, and you gave him the name “Not Joseph Hunter.” In fact, it looks like you just drew a mustache on his driver’s license photo and wrote “not” in front of his name. Seriously, did you think that was acceptable?

Jim: I was hoping maybe I could get a mulligan on that one. It was a rough day, I hadn’t had my coffee...

Frank: Then of course there’s Kyle Thompson. You decided to give him the name of the person who was trying to kill him!

Jim: That one I can explain! I thought that if the killer found him and then realized they had the same name he'd have this sort of "Who am I? What does it all mean? Is this some kind of metaphor?" type of experience, and while he's standing there reaching enlightenment we could catch him! Or MAYBE he'd get confused and kill himself by mistake!

Frank: I wish I could double fire you right now.

Jim: You know what’s weird? They told me that at my last job too!

Frank: I just have to ask about one more. What happened with this guy, Hal Goodwin? You didn’t even change his name. He walked out of this department still named Hal Goodwin.

Jim: Well I thought to myself, “If the mafia knows Hal Goodwin has entered into Witness Protection, then what is the last name they would suspect him to have now? Hal Goodwin! It’s brilliant!!

Frank: He was shot driving out of our parking garage that same day when he showed his ID to the booth operator.

Jim: …I still stand behind that idea.

Frank: You’re fired. You have until 4 to clear out your office.

Jim: (smirks knowingly) Are you really sure you want to do that?

Frank: Oh I’m positive. Why wouldn’t I be?

Jim: Because while we’ve been talking I actually changed my name to your name. It would be like you’re firing yourself!

Frank: You can’t be serious. You pulled that stupid move again?

Frank 2: It’s all falling apart, Frank! Give it up! You don’t know who you are anymore! You’re asking yourself what it all means!

Frank: Okay now you have five minutes and then I’m going to call security.

Frank 2: And ask them to remove WHO? Frank? They’ll take us both away! Muahahahahaha! I win! You can’t fire me!

Frank: I don’t have time for this.

(A burly well-dressed Italian man enters)

Man: Excuse me, is one of you Frank Wilson?

Frank 2: (with a devious grin on his face) Why yes, in fact that I’M Frank Wilson. (stifles a chuckle)

(The man begins punching Frank 2 in the face over and over)

Man: You thought you could hide from Tommy Knuckles?? You thought Witness Protection would keep you safe?! Think AGAIN!!!

(As Frank 2 continues to be pummelled, Frank quietly backs out of the room)

END SCENE