Choose Your Own Adventure

pg. 31:

You have just landed your hovercraft on the treacherous shores of the secret island of Dr. Blade. After engaging the cloaking device, you gather your equipment and make your way into the forest. You have only 30 minutes to disarm the dreaded “Death Bomb” before the nefarious Blade launches it toward the mainland.

As you hack your way through the dense underbrush, you consider the apparent redundancy in the name “Death Bomb”. Your musings cause you to become distracted, and you step upon a trip wire, launching a deadly array of ninja stars in your direction. To perform a shoulder roll and avoid the ninja stars, turn to page 36. To take the chance that perhaps Dr. Blade mistakenly loaded this trap with rubber ninja stars instead of metal ones, turn to page 34.

pg. 34:

            They were real ninja stars. You are dead.

pg. 36:

            You perform a shoulder roll in an Easterly direction. As you do, you think about how the word “Easterly” is somewhat confusing, and you aren’t really sure if it means “In an Eastern direction,” or “Somehow relating to Easter”. As you continue to wonder how someone could convey a celebration of Easter through a shoulder roll, you fail to pay attention to where you are going and roll off of a cliff. To reach out and grab onto a root sticking out of the cliff face, turn to page 42. To take the chance that perhaps the jagged rocks below are actually rubber rocks, turn to page 40.

pg. 42:

            At the last second you are able to grab hold of a strong tree root and narrowly avoid falling to your death. You decide the jungle is taking too much time to traverse, and instead you opt to dive into the lagoon on the north side of the island, then swim up the secret underground river to Blade’s lair. You don your gear and submerge. As you carefully breaststroke through the murky water in the pitch black tunnel, you brush against a manatee, which becomes confused, attempting to mate with you, and is sort of successful. After 10 nightmarish minutes, you finally escape. To continue on your journey turn to page 57. To go take a shower and scrub yourself repeatedly while rocking back and forth and muttering “can’t get clean” over and over, turn to page 54.

pg. 57:

            You make a mental note to book a session with a therapist and continue on. Upon reaching Blade’s hideout, you deftly evade his guards with an impressive series of roundhouse kicks that were actually pirouettes from your days taking ballet but no one needs to know that detail. Finally you reach the Death Bomb and pry off the side panel, revealing a digital timer and an array of wires. According to the timer, you only have 30 seconds left to disarm it! To snip the red wire and disarm the bomb, turn to page 64. To call your grandmother because you just now remembered it’s her birthday for only 20 more seconds, turn to page 61.

pg. 61:

            You reach your grandmother with 8 seconds to spare. She informs you her birthday is actually NEXT Tuesday. The bomb explodes, disintegrating the Earth.

pg. 64:

With seconds left you snip the red wire. The Death Bomb is rendered harmless, but an alarm rings out through the compound. Suddenly guards burst in from all directions. You scan for possible exits, finding none. Just before they swarm in on you, you hear a voice shout, “Quick, this way!” and you see an open door you hadn’t noticed earlier. To sprint through the door and evade capture, turn to page 93. To take the chance that none of this is real and that you’re actually tripping balls on some acid in a motel room somewhere, turn to page 76.

pg. 93:

            As you dive through the open door, it slams shut and locks behind you. Your eyes quickly adjust to the lower light and you suddenly realize you aren’t alone in here. The manatee is back! It’s laying on a spinning circular bed surrounded by scented candles and beckoning to you suggestively.

            ...hours later as you navigate the ocean waters at the helm of your hovercraft, you think back upon the unexpected turns that your mission took. To drive your hovercraft straight into a large rock and just end it all, turn to page 104. To dedicate the rest of your life to hunting down and killing every manatee you can find, turn to page 110. To try and shake it off and move on with your life, turn to page 113.

pg. 113:

            Two weeks later you are standing in a televised ceremony to receive the congressional medal of honor for your bravery. After you pose for a photo shaking the President’s hand you are handed a bouquet of flowers. You read the note, which says simply, “With love, The Manatee.” You vomit uncontrollably on live television and have to be helped off the stage.

            When you get home later that day you turn on the TV and watch as the news channels replay the humiliating event over and over. Disgusted, you switch of the TV and grab your laptop. Opening up Facebook, you find one pending friend request. It’s the Manatee.