Witness Protection

Frank: Jim, can I speak with you for a second?

Jim: Sure, what’s up?

Frank: Well...*sighs* there’s no easy way to say this, but...Jim we’re going to have to let you go.

Jim: You’re firing me? Why??

Frank: Look Jim, I like you as a person, but...your job here is to provide new names for people and families that are forced to enter Witness Protection, and frankly you do terrible work.

Jim: I...I’m stunned. I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

Frank: Seriously? You seriously thought that? 15 of the 17 people you have assigned names to have been killed already.

Jim: Well, you know, I figured every new guy has a sort of grace period to get the hang of it.

Frank: Let’s look at some of the names you’ve assigned. Okay, here we have Eliot Johnson and you changed his name to Schmeliot Schmohnson. Really?

Jim: ...perhaps not my best work.

Frank: Here he have Joseph Hunter, and you gave him the name “Not Joseph Hunter.” In fact, it looks like you just drew a mustache on his driver’s license photo and wrote “not” in front of his name. Seriously, did you think that was acceptable?

Jim: I was hoping maybe I could get a mulligan on that one. It was a rough day, I hadn’t had my coffee...

Frank: Then of course there’s Kyle Thompson. You decided to give him the name of the person who was trying to kill him!

Jim: That one I can explain! I thought that if the killer found him and then realized they had the same name he'd have this sort of "Who am I? What does it all mean? Is this some kind of metaphor?" type of experience, and while he's standing there reaching enlightenment we could catch him! Or MAYBE he'd get confused and kill himself by mistake!

Frank: I wish I could double fire you right now.

Jim: You know what’s weird? They told me that at my last job too!

Frank: I just have to ask about one more. What happened with this guy, Hal Goodwin? You didn’t even change his name. He walked out of this department still named Hal Goodwin.

Jim: Well I thought to myself, “If the mafia knows Hal Goodwin has entered into Witness Protection, then what is the last name they would suspect him to have now? Hal Goodwin! It’s brilliant!!

Frank: He was shot driving out of our parking garage that same day when he showed his ID to the booth operator.

Jim: …I still stand behind that idea.

Frank: You’re fired. You have until 4 to clear out your office.

Jim: (smirks knowingly) Are you really sure you want to do that?

Frank: Oh I’m positive. Why wouldn’t I be?

Jim: Because while we’ve been talking I actually changed my name to your name. It would be like you’re firing yourself!

Frank: You can’t be serious. You pulled that stupid move again?

Frank 2: It’s all falling apart, Frank! Give it up! You don’t know who you are anymore! You’re asking yourself what it all means!

Frank: Okay now you have five minutes and then I’m going to call security.

Frank 2: And ask them to remove WHO? Frank? They’ll take us both away! Muahahahahaha! I win! You can’t fire me!

Frank: I don’t have time for this.

(A burly well-dressed Italian man enters)

Man: Excuse me, is one of you Frank Wilson?

Frank 2: (with a devious grin on his face) Why yes, in fact that I’M Frank Wilson. (stifles a chuckle)

(The man begins punching Frank 2 in the face over and over)

Man: You thought you could hide from Tommy Knuckles?? You thought Witness Protection would keep you safe?! Think AGAIN!!!

(As Frank 2 continues to be pummelled, Frank quietly backs out of the room)

END SCENE

Dear Diary

9/13/09

Dear Diary,

Today marks a turning point in my life! I finally walked into Mr. Simmons’ office and told him exactly what I thought of him. I told him that I was tired of how he treated me, that I didn’t need this stupid job, and that I was going into business for myself. I also told him that I hoped a blue whale’s penis fell on him and crushed him to death. At that point I began trying to offer example scenarios where that might possibly happen. He was so shocked and intimidated that he just sat there the whole time with his mouth hanging open. Oh victory is indeed sweet!

I am SO excited to see what the future holds! I have been planning to open my own business for so long it almost feels like a dream that it is actually going to happen now! That's all for now, diary! I'll keep you updated. I gotta get working!

9/21/09

Dear Diary,

I feel kind of weird today. This afternoon I was told that my old boss Mr. Simmons was on vacation in the Bahamas and was helping a group of people trying to roll a beached blue whale back into the ocean. He was standing in a poorly chosen location and on one of the rolls the whale's penis flopped over and landed on top of him, killing him instantly. I can't help but feel like I am somewhat to blame for this in some cosmic way. But I'm not gonna let it get me down, I have too much to look forward to! I've been working like mad on my business and we're opening next week! I'll keep you posted on every detail!

10/2/09

Dear Diary,

            Well, we’re 6 days into this and I’m having my doubts about the business. We’ve already had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage and I’m being sued by 2 families. When I think about it, I’m not even really sure why I ever thought hot air balloon tours over an active volcano was such a good idea. The heat from the lava keeps melting the canvas of the balloons and the clients are sent crashing into the side of the mountain. The first time it happened we called 911 and I had one of my pilots ferry two medics up there in another balloon, not realizing at the time what had caused the accident. But their balloon melted too and they plummeted into the lava to their deaths. That was pretty awkward, because the whole thing had been caught on tape by a local news crew that came to do a fluff piece. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was eating a hot dog and got mustard on my shirt! I mean, could this day get any worse?!

10/7/09

Dear Diary,

            I’m beginning to suspect my business partner Glen is out to ruin me. First, during the ribbon cutting ceremony when I pretended the huge scissors were too heavy and I chopped his tie off as a joke, he didn’t even laugh. He just glared at me, which made me look like a jerk in front of everyone. Then a few minutes later when I was pretending to play the harmonica with the scissors and sliced open my tongue he grabbed some nearby balloon canvas to try and help stop the bleeding! That material costs a lot of money! What is he trying to do, put me in the poor house?!

            It doesn’t stop there, he also turned down my idea to put up a statue of a whale’s penis out in front of the business in memory of the late Mr. Simmons. He asked me, “Why would you put up a statue of the thing that killed him? How is that honoring him?”

            “You don’t understand!” I shouted back, “You didn’t know him! You can really be insensitive sometimes, Glen!”

            To which he replied, “Why do you keep calling me Glen? You know my name is Robert! Where did you ever get ‘Glen’ from?"

            We argued back and forth for another 20 minutes, but Glen was adamant. He said this was intended to be a family-friendly business and the statue would turn away potential clients. Some business partner HE’S turning out to be, always looking for ways to make money, never thinking about how important this whale’s penis is to me. Wait, that came out wrong. Why didn’t I write this diary in pencil?

            I also suspect Glen may be reading my diary. From now on I will write my entries in code. The number 1 will be A, 2 will be B, 3 will be C, and so on. That’s all for now.

10/10/09

Dear Diary,

            I forgot the code. Ahh, screw it. I don’t even really care that much if Glen reads this or not. He has been an obstacle at every turn and it was a mistake to go into business with him. He wants to cut our losses and get out and honestly that’s fine with me. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, though. The balloon tours were just a launchpad; I have plans for multiple businesses. As soon as I can generate enough start-up money I’m starting a new business that will finally combine sailing with white-water rafting to try and corner both markets. We will give customers a 30 minute “Intro to Sailing” course and then send them down the rapids in an adventure they’ll remember forever! I was going to offer that Glen get on board with me for that too, but forget it. I’m through with him. I hope he falls down a laundry chute at the YMCA and suffocates under a mountain of sweaty jock straps.

       

10/14/09

Dear Diary,

            Another weird day. Glen died tragically this morning, and you’ll never guess how it happened.

Regrets

I’d like to think that I have lived a fairly decent and respectable life. However, I do not deny that there are a number of things I have done in my life that I wish I had not, and I am regretful of it. The following is a short list of some of those incidents.

-I did a stint in the Secret Service and I was assigned to protect Senator Jim McAllister. During one of his speeches I became aware of a possible assassination attempt in progress. When I spotted the assailant in the crowd I shouted into my walkie-talkie, “The fox is in the chicken coop! The hobo is urinating in the garbage can! The Hamburgler has entered McDonald’s playplace!” In retrospect I think that I may have lost respect in the eyes of my coworkers as a result of those remarks.

-I was a part of a study in college that was testing to see if we could induce seizures through images playing on a screen. When we were finished with our prototype there was the question of where and how we could test it. I suggested we rent one of those video billboards on the side of the freeway. I wish I had not been so persuasive with this idea and I want to apologize to anyone who was injured in “The Great 127-car pileup of 2004”.

-For three straight years after 9/11 I became slightly obsessed with the phrase “...then the terrorists have won.” It got so bad that I was saying things like “If my lotto numbers don’t win tonight then the terrorists have won,” or, “If they put mayo on my sandwich after I SPECIFICALLY asked for no mayo, then the terrorists have won.” I wish I hadn’t done this so often, as it annoyed my loved ones a great deal.

-I regret having begun to mix cocaine in with my laundry detergent because I enjoyed the tingling feeling I got when I wore my freshly washed clothes. It proved to be quite expensive.

-In middle school I tried to fart in a time capsule that our class was putting together, in an effort to show future generations what flatulence from 1996 smelled like. I still think the idea had merit, but I regret my last second decision to take off my pants to do it, fearing that the fabric would mar the authenticity of the smell. I think this may have ruined my chances of dating Becky Martin.

-Certain business dealings caused me to venture into some seedy areas of town. In an effort to not come across as an easy target for thugs and low-lifes, I brainstormed ways I could dress so that I looked tough. I reasoned that an eyepatch looked pretty tough, but NO one was tougher than a guy who's eyepatch was an actual tarantula on an elastic band! It was about the time the creature laid it's eggs in my orbital socket that I realized this

had been a terrible idea. This is another choice I regret very much.

-I regret getting a tramp stamp tattoo that said "WHOOMP, there it is!" with an arrow pointing to my butt. Don't know what I was thinking there.

-I once mentally calculated an equation which would allow mankind to map and harness wormhole technology, but unfortunately I was a contestant on a Japanese gameshow at the time I thought of it, and just then I was attacked by a giant squid while the audience pointed and laughed at me. I regret both losing the gameshow and forgetting the wormhole equation.

-At a dinner party I once stated "The Unicorn is fifty times gayer than the Pegasus." Later that week I went to the library and did a little research and I found out that the Unicorn was actually only thirty-one times gayer than the Pegasus. I regret having misled the people at that dinner party.

            There are a number of others regrets I have, but just revisiting these incidents has filled me with shame and self-loathing. I will stop for now and maybe some other time, days from now, when I’m riding high, I will have the self confidence to continue this cathartic journey of sorrow. But for now I’m going to belittle my dog to make myself feel better. Thank you for listening.

Sound Effects

Matt Lauer: Welcome back to the Today Show! It is 8:35 on Tuesday and I’m here with the legendary sound effects master Charles Sweeney. Although you may have not heard his name, you’ve certainly heard his work. Charles has provided sound effects for over 250 movies and has even won two Oscars for his work in “Legends of the Fall” and “There Will Be Blood”. His latest movie is called “Two Peas in a Pod” and opens this Friday. Charles, thank you for joining us this morning.

Charles Sweeney: Thank you, Matt. It’s great to be here.

Matt: Now you’ve managed to capture some of the most life-like sound effects in Hollywood. Tell us, how do you do it?

Charles: Well I begin by watching the raw footage and then discussing with the director what kind of sounds I think may really take the scene to the next level, you know, make the viewer feel like he or she is right there. Then I go about capturing my sounds.

Matt: Let’s talk about the capturing for a moment; can you give us some examples of where you go to get these incredible sounds?

Charles: Absolutely. There’s a particularly gripping scene from “Jurassic Park” when the heavyset computer hacker gets sprayed with the poison spit from the Dilophosaurus.

Matt: Oh yes, I know exactly the scene you’re talking about!

Charles: Well to create the sound of the creature I took a regular housecat and put it in a shoebox and then I shook the shoebox very forcefully.

Matt: (momentarily stunned) …you…shake a cat inside of a shoebox?

Charles: Exactly. I give it four or five really good shakes. And the sound was what you heard in the film. It was a perfect fit.

Matt: (presses a finger to his earpiece) I’m…um.... we’ve….

Charles: Then you may remember the exciting fight sequence from the Matrix: Reloaded, where Neo is battling 100 Agent Smiths? Well to capture the whooshing sound of the metal pole he is using as a weapon, I hit a giraffe on the knees with a frying pan.

Matt: My God…

Charles: The key is to sneak up on the giraffe while it’s eating from a very tall tree. The difference between a startling hit versus a hit they see coming is easily discernible. But the surprised and pained cry of the giraffe provided the perfect sound capture for the metal pole.

Matt: Mr. Sweeney I must stop you—

Charles: Then there’s the torpedo sounds from Pearl Harbor. Do you know how I got those?

Matt: Please stop. (looking off camera) Can we go to commercial?

Charles: (ignoring matt) I dressed a raccoon in a diaper and a baby’s bonnet and then got a group of my friends to point and laugh at it very degradingly, to damage the raccoon’s self esteem. It made this moaning sound that was absolutely perfect for the scene!

Matt: (looking into the camera) We’ll be right back with—

Charles: (talking over Matt) Please keep in mind I don’t kill any of these animals. That’s barbaric! I just rough them up a bit. I give them something to think about when they go home, you know?

Matt: Mr. Sweeney, that is reprehensible. (motioning off camera) Can we get security here please?

Charles: There was this one time I planted some drugs on a squirrel and then ratted him out to the cops. When they were grilling him in the interrogation room he made this sound that we used in a scene in Jane Eyre. You just have to have an ear for this kind of thing. I think that—

(Two burly security guards appear on screen, and wrestle Charles Sweeney out of his chair and remove his microphone as he struggles angrily)

Matt: I want to apologize to our viewers, and remind you that the statements of our guest do not reflect those of us at the Today Show. 

Charles: (off camera) Don't act all high and mighty! Your ears are thanking me! Hey, you're hurting my elbow!

Matt: Please stay tuned after these words from Purina Dog Chow. (looking off camera) Well that seems a little ironic.