Full Moon

Note: I wrote this about 7 years ago and just stumbled across it in an old notebook the other day.


(Night time, two men are walking through the grass in the dark)


Kevin: Man, I TOLD you to get gas at that last exit.

Brad: I'm SORRY man! How many times do I have to say it? I was wrong, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You were right and I was wrong.

Kevin: Okay okay fine. Let's just forget about it, okay?

Brad: THANK you.

Kevin: Besides, that sign back there said only one mile to the next exit. That's not too bad.

Brad: Yeah, and maybe we can hitch a ride back to our car once we've got the gas.

Kevin: Besides, this walk is helping me work out some of the soreness in my legs.

Brad: Me too, that soccer game was out of control! I couldn't believe that goal you made with the guy coming right at you!

Kevin: Yeah, well you didn't play too bad yourself. Hey thanks for letting me borrow your shirt, man. I totally ate crap there at the end. I'll probably never get those stains out.

Brad: Don't mention it, man. It's a lucky thing I had an extra one in the back seat.

Kevin: Hey, did you see Gertrude on the sidelines?

Brad: DID I? Wow!

Kevin: SMOKIN' hot.

Brad: For sure. It's a real shame her name is Gertrude and I'm THAT shallow and petty.....(sighs) ahh, it's such a nice night.

Kevin: Yeah, it really is.

Brad: Paper said there's a full moon tonight.

(Kevin stops walking)


Kevin: What did you say?

Brad: Tonight's a full moon, too bad the clouds are blocking it.

Kevin: (to himself) Oh no....oh my gosh...

Brad: What's wrong? Kevin, what is it?

Kevin: Brad, you have to get out of here right now.

Brad: What?

Kevin: Just run away as fast as you can.

Brad: What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere. Oh look! The moon's coming out.

Kevin: Please Brad, just go!

Brad: Why?

Kevin: When the moon comes out, I'm gonna change into a....a........

Brad: Are you about to sneeze?

(a stretching sound, Kevin begins to change)


Kevin: (distorted voice) Oh no, Brad run!

Brad: My gosh! You're growing! Kevin, are you doing steroids?

Kevin: BRAD....(the sound of fabric tearing)


Brad: Hey! You're ripping my shirt! I like that shirt!

Kevin: I'll buy you a new one, GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Brad: You can't buy me a new one! It was complementary when I opened a super-saver account at the bank.

Kevin: (voice is increasingly more inhuman) WHAT?! Then it doesn't matter!

Brad: Sure it does. I still like it. Just because it's free....

Kevin: (roaring) BRAD!!!

Brad: It's still fixable, take it off quick!

Kevin: I can't, it's too tight now! Go!

Brad: You're not even trying.

Kevin: You idiot! I'm turning into a werewolf!

(another tearing sound)


Brad: NO! You're ripping it more!

Kevin: Did you hear what I just said??

Brad: You've got some nerve!

(Kevin roars)


Brad: Hey, I'm still talking! I lend you my shirt and you destroy it? What a douche!

Kevin: This is your last chance!

Brad: Seriously, it's just rude is what it is. And also, I think it's pretty inconsiderate that you're a werewolf and you don't have, like, a star chart memorized or something? I mean, you had NO idea that tonight was a full moon night? That's pretty irresponsible dude. You need to stay on top of this.

(Roaring, thrashing and ripping)


Brad: Hey! Not my other shirt! I'm still wearing that one!

(more slashing)


Brad: AUGH! My FLESH too?! You are the worst friend ever!!!

The End

Fun with Captions

As the beam pulled him toward the ship, Murphy thought to himself, "Well, there go all those chiropractor sessions."

Fun With Captions

In retrospect, survivors admitted that Jeff had indeed lit the biggest fart any of them had ever seen.

Assorted Musings

The following are a handful of random topics that I probably should not have devoted as much thought to as I have:

Aliens 4:

    In the 4th installment of the 'Alien' franchise, Sigourney Weaver's character Ripley has died 200 years ago, but a biotech company has brought her back to life by cloning her DNA. She then proceeds to team up with a ragtag band of misfits (what a shock that it isn't a well-quaffed group of croquet-playing Princeton grads) to kick some alien butt. About halfway into the movie, the group stumble upon an abandoned laboratory. Ripley, who is now armed with a colossal machine gun/flame thrower combo, soon realizes this is a room filled with failed earlier attempts at cloning her. As she breaks down in tears of sorrow and horror, we see jars with grotesque disfigured versions of her lining the walls.

    As she rounds a corner she encounters what seems to be the most devastating discovery of all: A hideous and pitiful malformed jumble of limps and joints laying on a lab table, with the face of another Ripley clone sticking out of it all. In a pained voice the clone looks at her and says "...please...kill...me..."

    Tears streaming down her face, Ripley slowly nods and says "okay." She then steps back, raises the gun, and as the music swells dramatically, proceeds to open fire......with the FLAMETHROWER!

    The second I saw this part, all I could think was that if I were the clone I would be screaming, "You douchebag!! I meant the GUN! Shoot me with the gun! What kind of asswipe mercy kills someone with a flamethrower?! Oh, this hurts so bad! I hate you so much right now!!"

Pretty Baby:

    From time to time I will meet new parents and their babies and I will tell them that their child is very cute, to which they will usually reply, "Thank you." Now, you usually thank someone when they compliment something you did, like, "Hey Burt, great job on that presentation at work." "Thanks man," or "You guys rocked, that guitar solo was sick!" "Thanks a lot." But why are you thanking me for this? The kid is cute. It just happened that way. You didn't really do anything special to make it happen, unless you're about to follow up by saying "Yeah, the wife and I bought this book called 'Seven sex positions to ensure and attractive baby.' It's pretty strict but obviously it paid off. It includes a comprehensive diet plan as well as some warm up stretches. One time I nearly tore my ACL doing this one move where I was supposed to wear rollerskates, but in the end it was totally worth it. I mean look at that kid! So cute. You see her pretty blue eyes? That's thanks to a little move called 'The Wheelbarrow.'"

The Lighting in Grey's Anatomy:

    I have only ever seen a handful of episodes of the ever-popular 'Grey's Anatomy', but there was something I noticed that distracted me so much that I couldn't really get into the plot. It seems that at Seattle Grace Hospital it's a common practice to perform complicated surgeries in a very dark room where the sole light source is shining directly into the surgeon's face. To me, this seems hazardous. If any of the Grey's Anatomy writers ever read this, I have an episode idea for you: Dr. McDreamy is performing a surgery and says "Nurse, scalpel please." The nurse holds it out to him, and he gropes around blindly for it in the dark room, ultimately impaling his hand on it. He cannot operate for 6 weeks, and he's so depressed about it we see a montage where he develops a drinking problem, starts wearing black eyeliner and listening to The Cure and asking people to refer to him as McDoomy from now on.

    I understand that this type of lighting can heighten the drama and that's why it's used, just please give some sort of reasoning for it. It's easy. At the beginning of the surgery scene, have the doctor say something like "I can't believe someone got a flashlight lodged in their brain in the 'on' position and I need to remove it while it shines at me AGAIN. This is getting monotonous."

Placentia, California:

    REALLY? You named your town Placentia? I bet the local board of tourism constantly pulls out their hair and says "How the EFF are we gonna get people to come here??"

Secret Service Agents:

    I cannot recall seeing a movie in which some bad guys went after the president or some congressperson and the Secret Service agents actually stopped it. They always seem to get their asses handed to them like immediately. Apparently they don't teach you how to defend against being pistol-whipped in Secret Service school. That seems to be their kryptonite. If there's any truth to the movies, their job seems to be to turn kidnapping the president from a ten minute job into a fifteen minute one. 

    Perhaps the American government struck a deal with Hollywood years ago, saying, "Whenever you portray us in films, make sure to make us look like a bunch of well-dressed boobs who like nothing more than to take unexpected naps on the floor of the oval office." Then, if someone tried to attempt something in real life, they would be unpleasantly surprised to learn of the agents' mad protecting skills.

Local Business Names:

    I've noticed when a local business is Asian-owned, a fairly substantial amount of time the owner's name is Wang. I have seen a restaurant called "Wang's Wok" and some sort of business called "Wang's Consulting". These names are somewhat unfortunate, but this last week while driving I could have SWORN I saw a sign for "Wang's Massages." This is just too much. It immediately makes me think one either goes there for a wang massage, which is inappropriate, or that some guy there is going to attempt to massage my back using HIS wang as a massage tool, which I am not on board with AT ALL. Wang, please sell your business to your brother. Unless his name is Dong.

Six Weeks Later

MARK 14:51-52

 A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

Six Weeks Later:

Peter: Cornelius! How are you my friend!

Cornelius: Oh…hello Peter.

Peter: I have not seen you in…gosh, it must have been what? Six weeks? So much has happened since then my friend, wouldn’t you say?

Cornelius: What? What has happened?

Peter: …you don’t know? Where have you been?

Cornelius: I’ve been hiding in a hole since that night in the garden! I was so afraid!

Peter: Good gracious, man! I had all but forgotten! You were the one who went running off that night totally naked!

Cornelius: Shhh! Keep it down, will you? I’m not exactly proud of that.

Peter: But why NAKED, is what I want to know? I mean, we were all scared, most of us ran as well, but why did you ditch your cloak?

Cornelius: …

Peter: Come now, friend. You can tell me.

Cornelius: I…I thought it would help lower my wind resistance and increase my getaway speed.

Peter: …

Cornelius: Why are you looking at me like that?

Peter: I’m pretty sure when I walked on water for those three or four steps I was moving faster than you can run.

Cornelius: Now THAT is just hyperbole!

Peter: Hyperbole! Nice word! In Greek of course, because that’s the language we’re speaking right now.

Cornelius: Thanks. Look, I panicked, okay? I don’t KNOW what I was thinking and I’m already embarrassed about it, so you don’t have to make fun of me.

Peter: Of course, of course. I apologize.

Cornelius: You don’t think anyone else saw me do that, do you? I mean, I was way off to the edge of the group. Chances are no one else noticed but you, right?

Peter: Well…I would agree with you, except you were on the Western side and shoved your way through the group completely nude to get to the Eastern side. And then when you got there you changed your mind and shoved your way back through to head West. So actually I’m fairly certain everyone noticed.

Cornelius: My gosh, this is humiliating. Well how many people were there in total, like 15 or so? That isn’t so bad, right? I mean it was a hectic night, people have probably forgotten it in all the chaos.

Peter: I distinctly remember hearing Mark say “I am going to write a book about all of this. And I have a really good memory, so I won’t forget a single detail.”

Cornelius: You are really bumming me out Peter.

Peter: I am truly sorry, friend. But I do not want to lie to you.

Cornelius: *sigh* I appreciate your honesty. It’s just very discouraging to think that years from now I will be remembered as the guy that stripped down nude and ran away incredibly fast when Jesus was betrayed.

Peter: The only way people will remember you as fast is if they have all lost the ability to run at all.

Cornelius: Say, you haven’t seen that cloak of mine around by any chance have you? I never did find it.

Peter: No, I can’t say I have. I assume that’s why you’re still nude right now as we speak?

Cornelius: Yes. It was my only one.

Peter: Well, check with the other guys. One of them may have picked it up.

Cornelius: Thanks, brother.  

Choose Your Own Adventure

pg. 31:

You have just landed your hovercraft on the treacherous shores of the secret island of Dr. Blade. After engaging the cloaking device, you gather your equipment and make your way into the forest. You have only 30 minutes to disarm the dreaded “Death Bomb” before the nefarious Blade launches it toward the mainland.

As you hack your way through the dense underbrush, you consider the apparent redundancy in the name “Death Bomb”. Your musings cause you to become distracted, and you step upon a trip wire, launching a deadly array of ninja stars in your direction. To perform a shoulder roll and avoid the ninja stars, turn to page 36. To take the chance that perhaps Dr. Blade mistakenly loaded this trap with rubber ninja stars instead of metal ones, turn to page 34.

pg. 34:

            They were real ninja stars. You are dead.

pg. 36:

            You perform a shoulder roll in an Easterly direction. As you do, you think about how the word “Easterly” is somewhat confusing, and you aren’t really sure if it means “In an Eastern direction,” or “Somehow relating to Easter”. As you continue to wonder how someone could convey a celebration of Easter through a shoulder roll, you fail to pay attention to where you are going and roll off of a cliff. To reach out and grab onto a root sticking out of the cliff face, turn to page 42. To take the chance that perhaps the jagged rocks below are actually rubber rocks, turn to page 40.

pg. 42:

            At the last second you are able to grab hold of a strong tree root and narrowly avoid falling to your death. You decide the jungle is taking too much time to traverse, and instead you opt to dive into the lagoon on the north side of the island, then swim up the secret underground river to Blade’s lair. You don your gear and submerge. As you carefully breaststroke through the murky water in the pitch black tunnel, you brush against a manatee, which becomes confused, attempting to mate with you, and is sort of successful. After 10 nightmarish minutes, you finally escape. To continue on your journey turn to page 57. To go take a shower and scrub yourself repeatedly while rocking back and forth and muttering “can’t get clean” over and over, turn to page 54.

pg. 57:

            You make a mental note to book a session with a therapist and continue on. Upon reaching Blade’s hideout, you deftly evade his guards with an impressive series of roundhouse kicks that were actually pirouettes from your days taking ballet but no one needs to know that detail. Finally you reach the Death Bomb and pry off the side panel, revealing a digital timer and an array of wires. According to the timer, you only have 30 seconds left to disarm it! To snip the red wire and disarm the bomb, turn to page 64. To call your grandmother because you just now remembered it’s her birthday for only 20 more seconds, turn to page 61.

pg. 61:

            You reach your grandmother with 8 seconds to spare. She informs you her birthday is actually NEXT Tuesday. The bomb explodes, disintegrating the Earth.

pg. 64:

With seconds left you snip the red wire. The Death Bomb is rendered harmless, but an alarm rings out through the compound. Suddenly guards burst in from all directions. You scan for possible exits, finding none. Just before they swarm in on you, you hear a voice shout, “Quick, this way!” and you see an open door you hadn’t noticed earlier. To sprint through the door and evade capture, turn to page 93. To take the chance that none of this is real and that you’re actually tripping balls on some acid in a motel room somewhere, turn to page 76.

pg. 93:

            As you dive through the open door, it slams shut and locks behind you. Your eyes quickly adjust to the lower light and you suddenly realize you aren’t alone in here. The manatee is back! It’s laying on a spinning circular bed surrounded by scented candles and beckoning to you suggestively.

            ...hours later as you navigate the ocean waters at the helm of your hovercraft, you think back upon the unexpected turns that your mission took. To drive your hovercraft straight into a large rock and just end it all, turn to page 104. To dedicate the rest of your life to hunting down and killing every manatee you can find, turn to page 110. To try and shake it off and move on with your life, turn to page 113.

pg. 113:

            Two weeks later you are standing in a televised ceremony to receive the congressional medal of honor for your bravery. After you pose for a photo shaking the President’s hand you are handed a bouquet of flowers. You read the note, which says simply, “With love, The Manatee.” You vomit uncontrollably on live television and have to be helped off the stage.

            When you get home later that day you turn on the TV and watch as the news channels replay the humiliating event over and over. Disgusted, you switch of the TV and grab your laptop. Opening up Facebook, you find one pending friend request. It’s the Manatee.

            

Witness Protection

Frank: Jim, can I speak with you for a second?

Jim: Sure, what’s up?

Frank: Well...*sighs* there’s no easy way to say this, but...Jim we’re going to have to let you go.

Jim: You’re firing me? Why??

Frank: Look Jim, I like you as a person, but...your job here is to provide new names for people and families that are forced to enter Witness Protection, and frankly you do terrible work.

Jim: I...I’m stunned. I thought I was doing a pretty good job.

Frank: Seriously? You seriously thought that? 15 of the 17 people you have assigned names to have been killed already.

Jim: Well, you know, I figured every new guy has a sort of grace period to get the hang of it.

Frank: Let’s look at some of the names you’ve assigned. Okay, here we have Eliot Johnson and you changed his name to Schmeliot Schmohnson. Really?

Jim: ...perhaps not my best work.

Frank: Here he have Joseph Hunter, and you gave him the name “Not Joseph Hunter.” In fact, it looks like you just drew a mustache on his driver’s license photo and wrote “not” in front of his name. Seriously, did you think that was acceptable?

Jim: I was hoping maybe I could get a mulligan on that one. It was a rough day, I hadn’t had my coffee...

Frank: Then of course there’s Kyle Thompson. You decided to give him the name of the person who was trying to kill him!

Jim: That one I can explain! I thought that if the killer found him and then realized they had the same name he'd have this sort of "Who am I? What does it all mean? Is this some kind of metaphor?" type of experience, and while he's standing there reaching enlightenment we could catch him! Or MAYBE he'd get confused and kill himself by mistake!

Frank: I wish I could double fire you right now.

Jim: You know what’s weird? They told me that at my last job too!

Frank: I just have to ask about one more. What happened with this guy, Hal Goodwin? You didn’t even change his name. He walked out of this department still named Hal Goodwin.

Jim: Well I thought to myself, “If the mafia knows Hal Goodwin has entered into Witness Protection, then what is the last name they would suspect him to have now? Hal Goodwin! It’s brilliant!!

Frank: He was shot driving out of our parking garage that same day when he showed his ID to the booth operator.

Jim: …I still stand behind that idea.

Frank: You’re fired. You have until 4 to clear out your office.

Jim: (smirks knowingly) Are you really sure you want to do that?

Frank: Oh I’m positive. Why wouldn’t I be?

Jim: Because while we’ve been talking I actually changed my name to your name. It would be like you’re firing yourself!

Frank: You can’t be serious. You pulled that stupid move again?

Frank 2: It’s all falling apart, Frank! Give it up! You don’t know who you are anymore! You’re asking yourself what it all means!

Frank: Okay now you have five minutes and then I’m going to call security.

Frank 2: And ask them to remove WHO? Frank? They’ll take us both away! Muahahahahaha! I win! You can’t fire me!

Frank: I don’t have time for this.

(A burly well-dressed Italian man enters)

Man: Excuse me, is one of you Frank Wilson?

Frank 2: (with a devious grin on his face) Why yes, in fact that I’M Frank Wilson. (stifles a chuckle)

(The man begins punching Frank 2 in the face over and over)

Man: You thought you could hide from Tommy Knuckles?? You thought Witness Protection would keep you safe?! Think AGAIN!!!

(As Frank 2 continues to be pummelled, Frank quietly backs out of the room)

END SCENE